Plain and simple.
Everyone is evolving and changing because of lessons learned or experiences.
I am not the person I was 10 years ago and I’m not even the same person I was five years ago. When my husband and I met, I was care-free, bubbly and a lot of fun.
Now, I’m a worry wort who’s new favorite hobby is sleep. See, when my husband and I met almost a decade ago, I had no real responsibility.
Yes, I had a house, a car and a career. I was independent but I had no one depending on me.
Flash forward to today and I am a stay at home mom with four kids who are fully dependent on me for everything. I stress about finances, my family’s health, my kids’ education and the housework.
Before family, I only had to worry about me. I had nothing to lose. I was able to be carefree because I really had no cares in the world. Now I worry constantly. It might not be at the forefront of my mind but it is always in the back of my head.
“What are the kids doing?”
“Are they hungry?”
“What bill is due when?”
“I need to get the laundry done.”
“Oh, the kids have homework tonight.”
“Baby has a doctor appointment tomorrow. Can’t forget that!”
It is an anthem of mothers across the world.
However, I wouldn’t change this life for anything. I love my husband and the family we created so much. They are my everything but I am not the woman my husband married.
I have changed and so has he. That doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. Over the years we have had to learn how to love each other differently.
The dating phase was wild, spontaneous and fun. Now, it is mellow, comfortable and routine with the random date night or getaway here and there.
Do I miss the early days?
At times I do. But when I look at the life we built, the children we have and the memories together, I would take this any day over the early days.
We are always learning new ways to love each other because we are constantly changing.
Life changed when we met. Life changed when we got married. Life changed when we got pregnant and had child after child. Life changed when we lost loved ones, suffered illnesses and when we faced financial hardships.
The key is to grow and evolve together. After all, marriage isn’t loving hundreds of different people. It is loving one person a hundred different ways.
But how? How do we continue to love each other when we are always changing?
Date and date often.
Dating changes once your married. It isn’t always a fancy dinner or catching a late night movie at the theater together. It can be binge watching a Netflix series or sharing dessert together after the kids go to bed. Maybe discover a new hobby. It doesn’t always have to be out of the house to be a date or a chance for you to get to know your spouse.
Communicate. A lot.
Taking the time to visit with each other about things that are not about the kids or bills is how we reconnect and rediscover each other. Yes, the kids and the bills are something you both have in common but that isn’t and should not be the only thing you share. Talk about likes, dislikes, current events, religion, childhood memories; the possibilities are endless! Opinions change over time too. Take the time to have deep, meaningful conversations with each other to get to know who your spouse is and it helps to connect you with who you are too.
My husband has heard all the lines.
“Not tonight, I have a headache.” Or “Honey, I’m so tired.” Which are not lies.
Being a mom is exhausting and is the main reason I have a headache most days but sex is the ONE thing you and your partner can do together.
Make an effort!
As much as my husband finds me desirable in a messy bun and yoga pants with spit up my shirt, he also wants to see a woman who remembers she is a WOMAN, not just a mom. Do your hair and makeup. Wear those lace panties that have not seen the light of day since the Obama administration. I know when I fix myself up, I feel good about myself which will translate in the bedroom.
And the same goes for guys! Gentlemen, effort. Help with dinner or tuck the kids in bed. Maybe help tidy up the house at the end of the day so that your wife isn’t down right exhausted. Yes, you have worked too but if you help lessen the load, she will have more energy in the bedroom. Plus, it is super sexy to watch a man pick up and take care of the kids. (Especially when we don’t ask.)
Make a real effort to have sex. Light candles, turn on some music and take the time to love each other. It is in those intimate moments with my husband that we are able to just be husband and wife. Not all the other roles we play in our life.
We unfortunately live in a throw away world where if something is broke, we buy a new one. Marriage doesn’t work like that. Understand, the person you married will change over time. You will change too. But as long as you are changing together and growing together, you will always stay together.